2 June 2018

It's Pride Month!

It's June! It's Pride Month!

Aaaand Gatekeeping is a thing, apparently. If I hear/see one more person post about how Asexuality isn't real, gonna get the claws out.


I'm seeing a massive upswell in support of Asexual/Aromantic people and it's been amazing! I just kinda want to throw into the ring what the label "Grey-Ace" means to me, as it seems a really muddy subject (I mean, it is anyway, as it's quite a large spectrum to be in!

15 February 2018

It's that time of year again.

Well, technically I'm posting this the day after Valentine's day (it's currently 00:30 on the 15th feb so)


It got me thinking anyway.

I've not been the most romantic of people, I suppose - I've had a grand total of 3 relationships. 2 were long distance and pretty much failed out the time things started getting serious. The first one was a horrible mess which involved other people informing me I was dumped. I still don't hold the dumping against her, but her friend shot my confidence down about 20 levels.

The second was strained after a while. I got to visit but I was dumped shortly after.

The third was 5 or 6 years ago now. It was my first "real" relationship - I put real in quotes there as LDRs are just as valid, it was my first where my partner was in local range.

I should have really noticed the red flags, really. We were together just a little over year (I'm talking days after the 1st anniversary he left me) - but it was weirdly distant from the get go. I understand that people have lives and can get busy, but he was always working, early morning to late at night, I never really visited unless no-one was home - and I only ever saw the inside of his house like.. once? (I think he was still in the closet). I try not to assume shit nor am I here to spread shit.

But yeah. It hurts when it feels like no-one wants you, y'know?

In all three cases, the decision to leave was theirs, and sprung on me right there and then. There was no communication, there was no talking it out, it was just "Sorry, Hydro." and the usual explanations.

It's just SO FUCKING INFURIATING. I was never told if I was doing something wrong. Was I too distant? Was I too clingy? Distance? I was just told nothing at all. We just went the seperate ways, and while I'm still in somewhat of a good rapport with my 2nd ex-partner, all 3 just up and went.

So for the last 5 or 6 years, I've been a bit of a disaster, mentally. I'm sure anyone who's known me since the Google+ days, or following my blog from the start knows this. I'm distant with most, clingy with some. I am a hot mess of a human being.

In the last couple of months though, I've kind of been stabilising a fair bit. I guess throwing a career and an old lifestyle away was exactly what I needed? I've still got serious underlying issues but at least I'm not trying to throw myself into oncoming traffic on a daily basis anymore.

It might be my age, or it might be the genuine stability creeping back in. But I'm.. genuinely pining for someone to be close to. The past 5 or 6 years have been a horrible mess where I've been so terrified of commitment I end up alienating anyone I get remotely close, and probably scaring them half to death.

I mean, the fear is still there, but it's not as debilitating anymore. And by debilitating, I mean when I flaked on a person, I'd shut myself away from like.. anyone for weeks at a time. But I kept doing it.

But I think I'm not too terrified of it anymore, and I'd like to try again.

16 January 2018

Starting 2018..


So anyway, 2018 so far huh? What a weird mixed bag.


I always wondered why people came out of Uni as different people, and now I'm starting to understand a little bit why.

Like.. I never really did get the whole Gender thing, I was like, 100% sure I was a dude, and I didn't really know the feeling of knowing anything else - So I just assumed - hey, I'm a dude, and that's okay.

The interconnectedness of the world is a magnificent thing, and I've surrounded myself with people all across the gender and sexual spectrums, and now I actually have time to think on myself and my feelings for once.. I'm actually kinda convinced not only am I Asexual - I'm also on the Gender Spectrum as well, specifically, DemiGuy.

Like, I spent a good week flicking through various wiki articles, pages, fluff articles on newspapers and generally experimenting with myself and clothing. And it just made sense. It was just, instant click in my brain.

I'm mostly a dude. It's a thing. I'm mostly comfortable in my body (Though I could do with losing some weight.. On it, though!) But I just have off days, y'know? I kinda just sit there and think. "Hey, y'know if I lost [what's in my pants] and swapped for [the other genitals] I really wouldn't mind. Whether that sentiment stands after it, I'm not sure. It's kind of like, I wish my body was modular, like I could just take parts of and swap it for different parts? I think that's the best way to explain it.

Admittedly, as well as my own exploration, VR surprisingly helped a LOT with the decision. Putting a box on my face in the height of my "Uhhhh" phase and booting up an experience which lets you change avatar (in this case, VR Chat) and I swapped to a default female avatar and for a short while, it felt right. I stood in front of the ingame mirror and waggled my arms about and thought "Hey, that's me."

Oh yeah I got an Oculus Rift with my Student Loan money. It's a legit investment I'm a game dev student :V

Now, because my classmates are mostly shitbrains I won't be going public with anything for a while (I mean these guys are basically /b/ and /pol/ personified but a little bit diluted. Some good eggs, but the loud ones are THE WORST.)

But yeah. I've started focusing less on the news and more on myself and my work. It's rather refreshing. I'm developing and it feels good. I've spent the last 10 years practically a walking stress monster and getting it out by screaming about current events. Now I've got time for a little introspection without worrying too much about where I'll be in 2 months time.. It feels good.

... Obligatory-end-of-post-gif

24 December 2017

2017 in review

For once, not about the world in general (that might come at a later date though)

HELLO PEOPLE. This is my second post in 2017, and there's only like a week left of it. It has been a hell of a year. I've been so busy and fucked up for most of it, I've barely had time to post on here!

So, despite the absolute hell of a year that 2017 has been, I'm sure some of us must have had an okay-at-least year? Surely? Mine wasn't too bad for starters. (I am going to ignore current events, news, all that codswallop, otherwise I'm gonna be here for like 8 pages)

27 June 2017

Vent, Rant, Whatever (Sexuality Version 7million)

Hello, again.

Been a while again. I guess I'm getting a bit swamped with life lately. Can't really keep up with the whole writing thing.

18 November 2016

What The Fuck. (An Opinion)

That's all I'm going to say.

What the Fucking Fuck was 2016

What the fuck did we do to deserve this shitshow of a year?

15 October 2016

Depression, Anxiety, and Working Life

Hello again, Internet.

It's been a while again, I know. I'm getting quite inconsistent. I've reached the apathy stage of life. Everything is going wrong and it feels like I can't even begin to describe just what kind of bullshit is happening in the UK, but I can (somewhat) describe what is going on up in my head and in my life.

So, I'm on yet another depressive spiral - even though I'm taking my medication religiously and doing everything I can to try and minimise situations that will cause me to feel highly anxious and depressive. Unfortunately, one has come along and it's my own stupid fault.

I've caused some damage to a company vehicle, and while I could have originally told my boss about it, I opted not to, for fear of pissing him off royally (I'd only recently had to take another van in for a service and it came out needing £1k of repairs). And I'm also very heavy footed and I've broken 2 clutches in other vehicles. I didn't want to be that guy so I opted to just.. live with it. It was cosmetic damage after all, Nothing to worry about...

Well, he saw it.

Now I'm in for disciplinary and all that and I just got a quote back from the body repair shop and we're looking at £2k of repairs. So yeah.

Boss didn't help by treating me like a child and repeatedly saying he's disappointed and I should know better (once or twice is fine, I should know better, of course) but he said it at least 10 times in a 15 minute dressing down. I'm already anxious about my performance at work 60% of the time (despite customers specifically requesting me) and this just shot it to be at the forefront of my mind 100% of the time.

My entire existence for the last 2 weeks has been restless. I've not slept for more than 3 or 4 hours a night in the last 2 weeks. I'm convinced I'm about to get sacked. Jobs are already hard to come across, If I get sacked for this, no-one's going to want me. My parents are going to be disappointed in me because I lost a job because I made a small mistake. It's going to make my life hell.

On top of this - as a rule in the UK, your employer generally has to inform HMRC of any benefits you receive as part of your employment, like access to company vehicles, or health insurance, etc.

Turns out, even though I've had access to a vehicle since 2014, my employer has failed to inform HMRC of this, and they've found out - I now owe HMRC an extra £631 starting next April. I hate how my employer can even suggest I'm an unorganised mess when they can't even keep their own affairs in order.

The thing is - I was not informed of any procedures I need to follow while using company vehicles (I spent 70% of my working day driving them) - One day, my boss approached me, handed me a set of keys and said I needed to replace a colleague as they needed to stay in the office for personal reasons.

We have been far too busy to allow me training. Even my disability awareness training was a very minimal affair - and considering that my entire job revolves around teaching and trainign disabled people of varying degrees, from mild dyslexia, to bedbound - physically incapable of movement, people. I felt unprepared, and I spent many, many nights learning about many common and uncommon disabilities.

My employer - despite taking me on as an apprentice almost 9 years ago, has not given me any industry recognised qualifications. Any qualifications I was enrolled for never came to fruition, and only served to better the company, rather than their employees. As it stands, the only qualification I held (CompTIA A+) was self funded, and expired last month.. I currently hold absolutely nothing other than my GCSEs.

The last 9 years, bar a (now probably bad) reference, and a 9 year spot on my CV has no meaning. I dropped out of college (the last 2 years of high school to Americans), and I never went to university as a result.

I am an unqualified idiot with a computer.

I was considering suicide again the other day. It's growing more and more tempting by the day.

I want to better myself, I really do. But everything feels weighted against me.

8 September 2016

Sexuality post #872634

I know you're probably sick of me talking about my sexuality but FUCK I am just wound up right now and I just weirdly feel I need to explain myself so fuck it. My blog, don't give a fuck.

I'm (as usual) probably going to go off on tangents here and as I'm talking about myself, this may end up veering onto the topic of suicide and depression so yeah.

23 June 2016


I don't need a more descriptive title this time around, do I?

Unless you live under a rock, I'm pretty sure most of the world knows that the UK is about to undergo it's biggest political vote of all time - A vote on if we leave, or remain a member of the European Union.

20 May 2016

Taxes and Benefits (Sometimes Death)

Hello, Internet!
It's been a while, again, huh?

So, EU Referendum is coming up. And I'm getting pissed off!

So, here I go. Got a few things on my mind I've been meaning to talk about. First up, how the hell our government can justify such brutal cuts when those high earners can laugh all the way to the bank.

So, here in the UK, we've got this lovely party known as the Conservatives. Once headed by the infamous Margaret Thatcher, they're known as the Nasty Party.

Attempts to rebrand themselves apparently worked, as they're in their second term as a major party (first term was as a coalition with a smaller, more liberal party, but definitely controlled them)
They're still as nasty as ever, though instead of Miners and Schoolkids, this time, it's Doctors and Disabled People. And still schoolkids.. and everyone except the middle class and the financially elite.

I could go on about their past for a while, but I make a habit of living in the present, rather than the past. And I'm still unable to prevent myself from seriously going off on one, so I'm going to handpick a few cases I find are just beyond comprehension as to why even.

So, the big recent one is the Disability Benefit cuts.
Combined with companies like ATOS and Serco declaring people fit for work despite being absolutely not fit for work. Thousands have died, leading to inquests which shouldn't even be happening. It's also been revealed that there were Targets and Quotas within the DWP to try and get people fit for work. It's a toxic way of reducing spending, especially with such.. goals. Welfare is not a set of targets, it's people who need support to live.

But anyway.

The government, in Budget after Budget have decided to throw down and kick people while they're down. Cutting disability benefit by £30. On an already strained budget for disabled people, £30 a week is a few missed meals, or a loss of something that helps them remain independent.

The man who was in charge of enforcing this, one Mr. Iain Duncan Smith actually resigned, forcing the government to U turn. It's sparked a civil war within the party which is still raging to this day. Among other shenanigans, it revealed that he was the opposite of disliking this policy - he was pleading for people on the fence to vote for it. Nadine Dorries (Cons) said on twitter that Smith begged and pleaded for her vote for the cuts. Revealing himself to be a hypocritical, lying bastard.

All this to save an estimated £4.4 billion over 5 years in the 2015 - 2020 parliament.

You know what else could save (or earn) at least £4.4 billion?

Vodafone's £84b tax bill.
Ooh, Google, too. to the tune of £700mil
Ooh, ooh! Apple too! 

And that's just 3 corporations. Out of the whole UK business scene, there's a lot lot of tax dodging going on. And I honestly can't believe that the government take even smaller cuts of the tax owed and call it a day.

Google were effectively paying 10x less tax than me. This is a company can earns something to the tune of the above figure, paying just 2.5%.

In contrast, I earn 15k, and pay 20% in tax.

It's not fair. This is a problem that can be easily solved with just a few swipes of a pen to close loopholes, but the Tories, and actually, any of the career politician led parties just refuse to close the holes.Why?

Hm, I dunno.

Here's hoping those leaks get people really fucking ticked off, eh?

Never mind.

26 December 2015

Tumblr, I'm lookin' at you.

UPDATE: I have since learned that "Down With Cis" was a reaction to a false story and is funny. I am a dumb shit who doesn't read properly. :3c


I've been meaning to say this for a while. I am well aware people are going to read a bit of the article and promptly slam me to the ground. I'll just politely ask that you read it all the way through.

So. I spend a lot of time on Tumblr. I don't miss a single post from the people I follow. When I get home from work, I scroll through all the posts I missed while I was away, chuckling, giggling and generally losing my drink.

Tumblr is a great place where you choose who to follow, what to follow and everyone's tumblr experience is different. Mine is generally full of shitposts and stupid vines and pictures, and I love it.

But there's an extremely... toxic side to tumblr. It's the overly offended, knighting population of the site who can turn a simple innocent post into a war of being "offended" and misunderstanding.

I am aware that I am Cis, male, and white. And no, fuck you, I'm not apologising for that. I am what I am, and I'm going to rock it. Because what I am doesn't make me a chauvanist pig. I try to be understanding. I try to see things the way others see things. I am aware there's oppression in the system, there is legitimate homo/transphobia across the world. I'm not saying there isn't.

I see so many posts of people making innocent textposts suddenly political. I've seen users dragged through the mud over accusations from over 5 years ago. We all need to learn that people change, I mean, fuck. I've changed a lot even over the last 2 years. 23 year old me would be fucking disgusted at how open and shitposty I am recently. But that's because I've taken medication to help me stop being angry. To stop being overly analytical, and to (mostly) stop worrying.

I'm not saying everyone on that side of tumblr needs medication. Far from it.
What I'm trying to say is - Please take a day off. I know you want to do something good for the world, for the internet. But aggressively targeting users who are either joking, or you know - Don't know better - is going to prove detrimental to the cause.

I'm not sure if you've noticed, but screaming profanities and calling for people to die generally results in blocks and being ignored, even becoming hostile, or more hostile to whatever you were screaming at them for.

I've seen entire hate movements spring up within the site. "Down with Cis." among others. I'm going to be honest here. It's Fucking Childish. Do not fight hate with more hate. It only stokes the fire further.
Lets say I poked you right in the eye. It might have been an accident, or I might have done it on purpose. If you jab me in both of my eyes, I know that was on purpose then. I'm either going to jab you right back and call you a cunt, or just hate you outright, because you're a spiteful little shite.
Whereas if you say "Dude, what the fuck was that for?" I'll probably apologise because I'm not one for jabbing people right where they're most sensitive and I'll learn not to walk around with my fingers at eye level and sticking out.

It goes for what I say too. If you're not comfortable being called Dude, Pal or anything else like that (I use them neutrally. Everyone's a dude) - Tell me. I'll take it on board and I'll stop. I want everyone to feel comfortable around me.

Sometimes, just a gentle nudge towards some light, informative reading may cause people to, y'know, learn something. It has worked for me. I joined Google+ back in 2011/2012 and I met and befriended a lot of LGBT folks. I thought I was straight. I really did. Now with help and understanding over those fine folks (Who are still friends, both Tumblr and Twitter), I've learned about Asexuality, Polyamory, Pansexuality, trans causes, and what it is to be Trans.

I am still learning, there will be times when me (and others) may slip up. For the most part, we don't mean it. We want to understand. But attacking people and calling upon others to do the same is not going to help. It's going to alienate people. It's going to make them angry. Fight hate with love and they'll realise they're being dickheads and they'll stop.

Unless they really are dickheads. Then just block and ignore them. <3

It's Pride Month!

It's June! It's Pride Month! Aaaand Gatekeeping is a thing, apparently. If I hear/see one more person post about how Asexuality is...