It's the thing.

27 August 2013

Not actually mad or mopey - BUCK 2013

So, yeah!
Wondering where I was over the weekend?

Working at a convention!

It all really started for Security on the Friday. I was in Manchester Central at 7am to pick up my radio, get used to it and prepare for the evening.
We hosted one of the biggest brony music shows in the Fandom so far. It was a huge success, and we somehow managed to knock a door off it's frame at one point.

There were no crowdsurfers, so I was free to boogie on down while keeping my eye on the crowd (I was front of house, behind the barrier and in front of the stage. It was a laugh! It was a long day though, and I didn't get out of there until around 2am - a 20 hour day.
I feel sorry for the techs though. They were there until at least 3:30am.

Saturday was a minor freakout. I turned up and was immediately drafted in to help the only tech guy who managed to get in. But we got it all sorted out and opened the doors to the convention

It all went smoothly, I was patrolling pretty much all day. The attendees were amazing to watch, the cosplayers were amazing (apart from one, we don't talk about him. We had to escort him off premises) and everyone was so well behaved!

I never thought I'd work 46 hours in 3 days completely voluntary and want to go back for more the next day!

Monday was takedown day - although my manager for the con wouldn't let me in. I'd apparently worked too hard and if I turned up anyway, he'd throw me out.

I unfortunately didn't catch any panels or events other than the Summer Sun Celebration on Friday evening due to patrolling the Vendor Floor and being unable to scarper off for long.

There was a quiet point were me and some of the Sec guys had a bit of a chill and a bit of a laugh. Got a picture of my fellow sec redshirt with The Living Tombstone - who I'll add is one hell of a chill dude.

I'm trying to get my SIA license now - I had a lot of fun even working at the convention. Maybe moreso than if I attended normally. Everyone I work with are amazing. Even Samuel the scary German Scotsman. Same time again next year, eh?

19 August 2013

Feeling better! & Some Writing Practice

Yep!

The usual mad content will resume soon. Getting mad at whatever gets me mad or whatever I happen to have quite an opinion on.

I had a whole Sexual Identity crisis for a little while, but I'm over it now. Took a long walk in the rain on Saturday. Let me see if I can write it out like it might appear in a novel; I need the writing practice.


"God damn it" He cursed under his breath.
He'd put off coming out until the rain had stopped, but it started again anyway. He was too far to turn around now. He'd put up with it. It's not like he had a purpose to be out here anyway.

He adjusted his not-very-waterproof jacket and maintained his speed down the road, the sprawling woodland in the distance was his destination.
He needed to get away from any kind of civilization for a few hours. The buzzing and beeping of phones, the madness of home life, the glare of the screens - it distracted him, annoyed him, suppressed his thinking.

He wanted to do this earlier, but things kept coming up, or it got too dark. Not today. He just left the house without warning. Still with his phone, of course.

Walking the street, he pulled his phone out of his jacket and booted up his AR game, Ingress. Until he got to the woodland, he couldn't get to thinking. He needed utter silence, and cars were not going to help any.

"It's been Thirty. Nine. Hours. since your last login. I was getting worried about you." said the phone.
It wasn't worried - it just liked to think so.

He walked down the street. Devoid of pedestrians, bar the occasional person running with their coats over their head, looking like some crazed hunchbacked beast, needing cigarettes and booze

He didn't care though. He just walked down the street, tapping on portals, hacking them and collecting items as he went. Pointless in the long run, but a good distraction from the rain.

Eventually, he reached the woodlands. He made his way down the pathway and into the trees and down the dirt path. This place was quiet enough, even in sunshine. The skies were grey and it was raining - there'd be no-one here for sure. Perfect. He hacked one last portal, and put the phone back in his pocket.

He walked for a mile. Two miles. Completely lost in his thoughts. He wandered over a small footbridge, walked along a hillside, crossed what he thought was a path, but had become a stream of sorts with the rain. It had gotten really heavy over the last.. Hah, who knows how long it was. His jacket was almost thoroughly soaked now, his boots were wet, he was sure he could feel the damp soaking through, but that was probably his head, he was wearing walking boots.

Eventually, he came across an extremely large pond. It was too big to be called a pond, but too small to be called a lake. The sign at the entrance of the park called it Crompton's Lodges, but as far as he knew, Lodges were small wooden buildings, not these.. lake things.

There was a small footbridge crossing the lodge at it's narrowest point, There was some tall water plants on one side of it, and the other side overlooked the lodge. It was hard to be seen when you stood on the bridge. It was perfect.

He walked to the center of the bridge. It was quite a nice view, even if the water was quite brown, and there was even an old broken concrete pipe sticking out near the center of the lodge.. And is that a tyre sitting at the bottom? He couldn't tell through the murkiness of the water.

He stood there for a while. He lost track of time. He didn't touch his phone once, it was blissfully silent. He'd never been anywhere so quiet and alone in a long time. You couldn't even hear the cars. The the pleased sound of rain, there were ducks splashing around in the water, and the sound of a million thoughts racing through his head.

He was having an identity crisis. Everything he ever thought he was came crumbling around him a few days before. He wasn't even sure of himself. And that was the worst thing, because until now, the only thing he was sure about was himself. Everything else was an unknown.

An INFP, he is the analyst, the introvert, the guy who needs all the details before doing anything.

He stood and thought in great detail for easily an hour, maybe an hour and a half. Maybe someone walked past him. He'd not notice. The only way he'd snap back to attention at this point would be if he finished thinking, someone tapped him on the shoulder, or he fell in the grimy water below him.

He snapped back to reality eventually. He was soaked to the bone; wetter than the wooden barrier he was leaning on - and that was wet when he turned up.

But in that moment - It was a moment of clarity. An entire hour and a half devoted to questioning himself and everything he had done in order to get him here. He left a new(ish) man, more acceptance for himself, but most importantly; he knew himself again.

He pulled out his phone. "Huh. Better get home, the cats will probably be trying to open the bin".

He tapped Ingress.
"It's been. Two. Hours. Since your last login. Welcome back." It said, it a not-so-welcoming voice.

That path he crossed before? Practically a river now. He walked down it anyway, he didn't have a care in the world, for now.

15 August 2013

I'm (Not) Okay

Shamelessly ripping the title from a MCR song. Don't care!

So, reading my previous blog post, I seemed to come across mostly unperturbed, maybe a little confused.
In reality, it's really not like that.

I'm really freaking out here. Not a full on meltdown - I'm still functional and working.. It's.. just tearing me up inside.

I mean, I know I've conditionally labelled myself as Demiromantic for the last year while I've tried to work myself out, and it's felt all alright for now. And it's probably still true. In fact, it's probably very much true.

I'm just weird.

It's like.. my mind wouldn't process all available outcomes of being Demi-romantic, y'know?
Sure, I've had my minor crushes on girls which have come and gone. One recently is still kind of there, niggling in my head, nibbling and biting like a persistent mosquito that got up my nose..

But I could never see myself in a long-term relationship with another Male. I felt like I could settle down, but felt the chances of it happening were pretty slim, so I didn't dwell on it too much, if at all.

But recently, I made friends with another person. We've sent messages back and forth just chatting, and I can feel a crush forming. Still entirely platonic, but it's like my brain was like "WOAH! - Dude! We weren't expecting this!"

He's local (Heh, relative to my only actual relationship thus far - Still 90/100 miles away), so it's not like getting to them would be too much of a rarity that it would be a deal breaker. I.. want this to happen, you know? I want to know how it feels to cuddle, to snuggle and just be close to another human being again. It's been nearly a decade.

But why the fuck am I so scared?

We had a little tiny discussion on Google Plus last night and it helped a little bit to get my brain in stock, and someone raised this:

Internalised Homophobia

Now that's not to say I'm actually scared of being "Gay" or other Gay people, in my case, I feel like it's a case of the way I was brought up.

I was raised in the 90's. I was the Generation who found themselves being teenagers just as the Internet was rising to popularity. I remember getting my first connection back in 1998 - A dial up connection. But I'm digressing, again. I always do.

My parents were never homophobic. They always said "It's okay, if you're gay, you know?" 
I imagine they liked to tell me this because I had a severe lack of girlfriends growing up. I didn't actually get my first girlfriend until I was 16. And that was a Long Distance Relationship - She lived over 500 miles away!

But they always said "When are you going to get a Girlfriend, Nathan?"
I imagine they're like any parent - Eager for grandchildren. Don't blame them, in a way. In a few months, I'll be the age they were when they had me. I'm old enough. My school friends have kids themselves, or are all settled down with Significant Others. 

This constant reminder made me feel as if I had to get a Girlfriend. Hence the Internalised Homophobia comment. 
I wasn't afraid of being gay, or afraid of gay people. I was - am - afraid of not being normal.

I am well aware being gay, bi, trans, whatever is perfectly fine and not to be shunned. I'd be shunning a lot of people I'm networked with if I was to say it was bad.

It's.. New territory to me. I think that's what I'm afraid of. It's what's driving me crazy. It's something I've not dealt with before. I don't know how to handle it. I know how to make a girl comfortable (I like to think, anyway) but I've only ever met guys I can be friends with. How do I handle it? I just don't know.

I like change. I like to learn.. Apply this to relationships and you're going to see me freak out a little bit.

14 August 2013

Being Asexual and unsure of myself

I've made it no secret on this blog - or anywhere, really - that I'm Asexual.

Like sexualities, there's many different kinds of Asexuality.

Hetero, Homo, Demi, Pan, Bi and A-romanticsm.

While I'm going to hazard a guess that you all at least know what all of those mean, except maybe the Aromantic option. If you're an Aromantic Asexual, there's no sexual nor romantic attraction in you. According to you - maybe - you'd just prefer to be alone romantically.

But here's where I'm not sure of myself. Until last year, I thought I was just terrible at being Heterosexual. Then, just clicking though Random Subreddit on reddit, I found /r/Asexuality. Read a bit into the subreddit (As I usually do with any subreddit that piques my interest) and found the lack of sexual attraction was pretty much me!

After many days of reading, I still wasn't sure of my romantic orientation. I thought this would be a thing I discovered over a few weeks. Its been a year and I'm still not sure now. I'm leaning with the idea I might be demi-romantic. I'm definitely some kind of romantic. But I sit here and I'm just not sure at all.

I find it quite intimidating going out, as I've touched in my previous post "Pop Culture and Sexuality" - because I have absolutely zero interest in sex, and I'd hate to be expected to give it out if I have to hit it off with someone.

But here's the thing. I appear to be hitting it off with someone. We pretty much just spent all day talking today and this.. feeling. I've not felt something so similar as it did 7 years ago. Like I just want to grab the person and give them a tight hug and never let go. We could probably just sit there for hours and just talk.

I never thought it would happen again, you know?

I guess this is where I find out if I'm Demi/Bi-romantic or jus' plain ol' Heteroromantic, I guess.

13 August 2013

Clothes sizes and sod's law.

So today, I attended an event which required me to be formally dressed.

I am not a person who formally dresses often. So, I take a trip to Matalan - Cheap-ish, but still good clothes. Usually my first port of call when I need some new stuff.

I pick a nice shirt - black.
I also pick a nice pair of trousers - black.

Both of these, I pick my usual size. Size 49cm chest, 18in collar.  40in waist, 33in leg.

The shirt fits me as usual.
I made the mistake of not trying on the trousers, though. I mean, come on. I can fit into size 38in waist jeans! Worst case scenario, I'd wear a belt.

Nope.

This morning, I woke up and got dressed. The trousers wouldn't fucking fit. I mean, seriously. What!

Unless clothes manufacturers use different versions of metric - what the FUCK are you doing?! I'm petty sure my waistline doesn't expand and deflate that quickly. I had to make a mad dash back to Matalan for a new pair of trousers that were 42in waist - And I just about got into those!

And then I couldn't find my shoes.
Typical - you're in a rush (I was running a few minutes late at this point) and everything fucking hides.
Anyway, I snagged my dad's snazzy shoes (A size too small, I'll have you know.) and got in the car to drive 20 miles. In small shoes. Dressed formally.
Oh man, it felt weird.

I normally dress in Jeans and a t-shirt.. even for work. but anyway, I'm digressing and hiding my point of actual rage here.

Is there like a Metric v2 someone's using? Because no matter what shop I go into, I'm a different fucking size!

In Tesco's F&F Range, I'm a 38/39in waist
At Matalan, I'm 42in waist
In ASDA's George range, I'm 37/38in waist

If you're hiding a new metric from me, world, I'll tear your fucking heads off!

Edit: Metric, Imperial. Tomato, Tomato.
Yes, I'm a fucking idiot. Shh!

11 August 2013

A Dystopian Future

The blur of life.

We never found how how it became like this - all squeaky clean.

One day, we all had these devices on us. In our pockets.. Eventually they just stayed in our hands - too busy reading, messaging, watching, playing. We never did talk much to our neighbours. The devices just helped us to blot them out even further.

It's funny.

We could be talking to them on our devices and we wouldn't know. I mean, it's all our real names these days on the devices - but for all we know, it could be our next door neighbour or someone across the world. It's the same difference these days.

But it's not just the devices that have us under their glowy control. Everything that's been nailed has a sensor in it - beeping and booping and sending signals all day long. All those names logged into the networks, all being gathered and no-one gives a damn. Bins, Lamp posts, shop doors..

But no-one cared. We had our devices.

The power creep started slowly at first. Someone might look something funny in consecutive - innocent things - a polite knock on the door and a search.
Then it got worse. They followed you for a few days. Just to make sure you weren't acting funny. They watched you through the machines - the sensors. You couldn't hide from it.

Soon enough, an incentive for these device manufacturers to lower their prices - the citizens were overjoyed! Finally, brand new devices for such a low price - everyone rushed out to buy new ones - more advanced ones. Ones with more GPS features. NFC features. Bluetooth. All these shiny technologies, but no-one cared. As long as they could play and read and watch, they didn't care.

They're mandatory now, you know?

Yeah. If you can't afford one, the companies give you one for a discount. It's not a very good one, though. You can read and watch and play with them, though. Good enough for most people.

Now everyone in the world had one. They could follow you anywhere. Like watching little worker bees buzzing around the world - returning to their hives at the end of the day. But no-one cared.

It started then.

Didn't go to work one day? Felt a bit off and just wanted to spend the day in bed, maybe on the device? It had to be authorised, and not just with your employer. Those who ran the streets. After all, if the counter came one person down that day and they were unaccounted for - who knows what they could be doing?

The people with the devices liked this.
"Don't want no terrorists screwing with us!"
They'd happily type.

No-one talks any more. The only people who talk are on the devices. They tell us where to go, what to do, what we should like, who we should like. They lie, they cheat, they manipulate.
"It's for the good of the world, and the network!" the voices would yell.

But no-one cared.

6 August 2013

Pop Culture and Sexuality

Yeah, yeah. I know you're probably expecting a typical rant about objectified women in the media and yadda-yadda-yadda.

I might touch on that, but what I'm really here to have a bit of a rant about tonight is a bit on the Sexual side of the society at large we live in today.

Okay. Here I go.
I don't hold it a secret. I'm Asexual. If you're not sure what that means, to put it simply, we don't experience Sexual Attraction. AKA. We won't tap dat (straight away) - Not to be confused with reproducing with oneself. Which would be kind of cool, I'll admit. (And weird.)

You might be thinking "So what, you moany cunt?"
To be totally honest with you, nothing much. I'm just merely observing a trend in modern media.

It's been "subtle" for the longest time now, but I've started noticing it consciously. (And trust me, me consciously noticing something is pretty much being smacked in the face with said object/metaphor)

It was Katy Perry's "Peacock" that first slapped me in the face with the (Almost Literal) Johnson.
If you're not familiar with the lyrics, let me remind you;

"Let me see your Peacock, cock, cock,. Your Peacock, cock, cock."

As subtle as a brick to the face.

Or maybe getting phallic objects thrown at you. 

But hey, if Katy wishes to sing about getting flashed, so be it. I'm not one to say "No! Men, do not show this lady your Johnson!" - Because any normal heterosexual bloke will quite happily flash his Johnson at Katy Perry given the chance.

And here's where I say "No, that's total bullshit, society. Stop this shit."

As a young white male, I'm immediately assumed to be heterosexual and LADdish. I am neither of these things.  I do not "Banter", I do not want to "Tap dat ass" and nor do I want songs sung about penises played on the radio played 10 times a day. (In short, fucking quit saying "Ooh, she's nice, I'd so take her"

That's just creepy. 
Anyway, I'm getting distracted (as usual. That fucking gif up there is not helping either. Why the fuck is it so hypnotising?)

I'm noticing more and more media being completely and utterly uncaring about their metaphors (Not saying Rock is immune. Royal Republic, I'm looking at you!) And as an Asexual - it's off putting. I don't mind some media being a little oversexualised, but practically every song being played on Radio 1 being either about money, sex or women, I'm finding it really, really hard to find myself engaging with it. 

As a young white male, I am in the target audience for this stuff, but I find myself turning to Radio 2 for Jeremy Vine's 2 hours with the mad bastards or just listening to my own music while getting lost in my own head.

Yes, I know this type of media is literally just pandering to the lowest audience possible, but it honestly surprises me how much people are scooping this up. I sit here completely flabbergasted that people are going out to pubs and clubs with the intention of pulling and having sex.

Now, before you probably end up laying into me because I think I'm all high and mighty and "More cultured than you plebs", I'm not getting at that. At all. I understand that a lot of people enjoy this lifestyle and I'm not going to preach. That make me look like an arsehole. (which I can be, but I try not to be an arsehole consciously.)

Every time I'm asked to come out to town, I politely decline, because of 2 reasons;
1. I'm an awkward motherfucker in clubs.. which is where most of my colleagues/friends/family end up
2. I feel pressured into finding a partner.

Which, both of these in turn make me feel broken

I sit here, 95% of my peers are into this shit, and I sit here week in, week out wondering "Is it me? Am I being a fucking prick without realising it?" they might genuinely want to hang out with me and just party the night away, but I'm so paranoid and such a low (Almost non-existent) libido that I fear I'm being manipulated into finding a partner. You might hear it on other Asexual-cause websites. "Oh, you just need to have sex", "What, so you just don't want sex? Let me change your mind" 

I've heard them before, so I just avoid going out now. 

But you can't escape it, even here on the internet. Admittedly, I hang around in places like Reddit, which is the world's largest circlejerk. (And I'm not kidding. Differing opinion? Prepare to be shot down) where if a woman doesn't want sex, she's a "Teasing Whore" and if a male doesn't want sex he's a "Fag/Prude" or even a "Prude Fag"

Is this what we are these days, humanity? Males are sex machines, women must bow or prepare to be shunned by society as teasing bitches? I appreciate that not everyone is like this, but recent reports of twitter being "boycotted" over a lack of a report abuse button (which is a whole other debate in itself, which I will not weigh in yet beyond saying it's a fucking waste of time) because of rape threats against women, makes me seriously think otherwise.

It doesn't become a stereotype unless it's got a bit of a basis in fact (Ssh, I'll touch on stereotypes in the future and why I think they're (mostly) bullshit)

What drives me even crazier than these people are the sex crazed maniacs who have to relate every conversation to sex or fetishes. And don't say they don't exist - Have you seen FurAffinity sometimes? Shit, I avoid the "Recent Artworks" for this sole reason alone. these people drive me completely up the wall, but I respect their choice for the life of debauchery. I might not like it, but if that's how they roll, I don't care.

Just for god's sake, please leave talking about squishy subjects to people who like hearing about it. It puts me off talking to you in future, because for all I know you'll bring up that you like sitting, festering in your own waste when I try to talk about that film you watched the other day. 

Another little tangent for you now. Yesterday, the new actor to play the iconic Doctor from TV series Doctor Who was announced to great fanfare. Much excitement was built in the days running up to the announcement show, which was watched by roughly 3 million people (officially, anyway)

This fellow here is now The Doctor:

Peter Capaldi, famous for his role as Spin Doctor Malcom Tucker in "The Thick of It"

Since the reboot of the Doctor Who franchise, The Doctor has been played by relatively young adults (Matt Smith being the youngest Doctor ever, being 26 when taking up the mantle - It has drawn in the teenage crowd because the actors playing them were "Cute"

Peter Capaldi has made his appearance, a whole quarter of a century older than Smith right now.
The teenage girl audience has freaked out, claiming the show to be dead. It's been totally fucking hilarious watching them screech, like casting has bent the show over the rails, stabbed it in the back, shot it in the head and thrown it over the edge and into an awaiting bin.

Were these girls honestly just watching it for the cute guys running around in tweed coats, long coats and leather jackets, being charming and saving the day? If so, that's a pretty shallow base to "Love" a TV show.

Anyway, I'm getting distracted by talking about one of my favourite TV shows again (Even though it was kind of relevant. 

In summary, It's getting drilled into us from seemingly quite a young age that we're all sex maniacs and anyone not interested in sex is the odd one, not normal and broken.

I'm happy that LGBT causes are getting a bit more worldwide recognition recently (Even though it might not be good everywhere (Fucking Russia..), but spare a thought for us Asexuals, wudja? We do not want sex, bitches, and especially not penises in our faces. Can you just let up a little bit? It's making us feel a little bit awkward and left out.

2 August 2013

I'm a writer who can't write.

Look at me, I'm terrible.

Here I am, claiming to be a writer - with all these wild things going on in my head. So many new cultures, races, places to see; all in my head... But I just can't get it down onto paper. (Or screen)

Is this what they call writer's block, or am I just a lazy writer?

It may be that I just have too many projects going on at once! Who knows.

Either way, I sit here with some WIP's open and I just can't progress. I sit, I stare, I write things and immediately delete them. I stare some more, then immediately just give up and go and play some video games.

It's a terrible backout plan, I know. I should at least play the video game that inspired the worlds I'm making, but I instead play Skyrim. Two totally contrasting games and genres, yet I'm choosing the one completely opposite of my worlds.

Maybe I'm tired of Sci-fi? No. I still love to get inside my own head and imagine all these amazing, futuristic ideas and inventions, with amazing sunsets as seen from space.

The amazingly advanced Canir, with their traditional, yet progressive ideals and the most amazing technological minds.

The strong and reliable Feln, when everyone thought they were gone, they crept from the ruins and came back stronger than ever.

But I just can't write about them. It drives me crazy. I want to show everyone in the world how amazing my worlds are, the totally awesome characters that live in there, the events that happen that are beyond belief..

But it's all just stuck in my head.