It's the thing.

15 August 2013

I'm (Not) Okay

Shamelessly ripping the title from a MCR song. Don't care!

So, reading my previous blog post, I seemed to come across mostly unperturbed, maybe a little confused.
In reality, it's really not like that.

I'm really freaking out here. Not a full on meltdown - I'm still functional and working.. It's.. just tearing me up inside.

I mean, I know I've conditionally labelled myself as Demiromantic for the last year while I've tried to work myself out, and it's felt all alright for now. And it's probably still true. In fact, it's probably very much true.

I'm just weird.

It's like.. my mind wouldn't process all available outcomes of being Demi-romantic, y'know?
Sure, I've had my minor crushes on girls which have come and gone. One recently is still kind of there, niggling in my head, nibbling and biting like a persistent mosquito that got up my nose..

But I could never see myself in a long-term relationship with another Male. I felt like I could settle down, but felt the chances of it happening were pretty slim, so I didn't dwell on it too much, if at all.

But recently, I made friends with another person. We've sent messages back and forth just chatting, and I can feel a crush forming. Still entirely platonic, but it's like my brain was like "WOAH! - Dude! We weren't expecting this!"

He's local (Heh, relative to my only actual relationship thus far - Still 90/100 miles away), so it's not like getting to them would be too much of a rarity that it would be a deal breaker. I.. want this to happen, you know? I want to know how it feels to cuddle, to snuggle and just be close to another human being again. It's been nearly a decade.

But why the fuck am I so scared?

We had a little tiny discussion on Google Plus last night and it helped a little bit to get my brain in stock, and someone raised this:

Internalised Homophobia

Now that's not to say I'm actually scared of being "Gay" or other Gay people, in my case, I feel like it's a case of the way I was brought up.

I was raised in the 90's. I was the Generation who found themselves being teenagers just as the Internet was rising to popularity. I remember getting my first connection back in 1998 - A dial up connection. But I'm digressing, again. I always do.

My parents were never homophobic. They always said "It's okay, if you're gay, you know?" 
I imagine they liked to tell me this because I had a severe lack of girlfriends growing up. I didn't actually get my first girlfriend until I was 16. And that was a Long Distance Relationship - She lived over 500 miles away!

But they always said "When are you going to get a Girlfriend, Nathan?"
I imagine they're like any parent - Eager for grandchildren. Don't blame them, in a way. In a few months, I'll be the age they were when they had me. I'm old enough. My school friends have kids themselves, or are all settled down with Significant Others. 

This constant reminder made me feel as if I had to get a Girlfriend. Hence the Internalised Homophobia comment. 
I wasn't afraid of being gay, or afraid of gay people. I was - am - afraid of not being normal.

I am well aware being gay, bi, trans, whatever is perfectly fine and not to be shunned. I'd be shunning a lot of people I'm networked with if I was to say it was bad.

It's.. New territory to me. I think that's what I'm afraid of. It's what's driving me crazy. It's something I've not dealt with before. I don't know how to handle it. I know how to make a girl comfortable (I like to think, anyway) but I've only ever met guys I can be friends with. How do I handle it? I just don't know.

I like change. I like to learn.. Apply this to relationships and you're going to see me freak out a little bit.