It's the thing.

23 April 2014

Insecurities

Hey, so rather than ragging on someone else today, I'm going to rag on myself, or at the least, my insecurities.

So anyone who knows me well enough know that I'm hardly the definition of fit and healthy - According to the Body Mass Index, I'm actually obese. I know it and I'm super, super insecure about it.I'm actually super insecure about a lot of things. I think my weight and how I come across to others are my major ones though. I'm quiet all the time because I hate how I might sound to others, afraid I'll come across like a mouthbreathing idiot

But my worst is my weight. I'll actively do things to try and dodge activity where I might show the fat. I think the only exception I have is when I go swimming. I love swimming enough to hide my embarrassment long enough to get into the pool.

I hate pullover hoodies because when I take them off, it pulls my shirt up.
I hate sitting down, because I got some hella thunder thighs (I actually sit with my legs supported by my tiptoes so my thighs aren't resting on the chair)
I hate wearing some of my older clothes which still fit, because I get a muffin top, or my belly shows when I stretch

My skin is in the most horrendous condition as well. Stretch marks and sores everywhere, I guess that's where half of my insecurity comes from, but you should see my gut, seriously. I'm ashamed of it, and I'm constantly trying to hold it in. Obviously it's huge when I exaggerate it out.

But it just makes me feel a tad less insecure when people say "Woah, what? Nah!" When I say I'm 20 stone 8lbs (For the Americans, that's about 290lbs, and for the rest of the world, that's 130kg)

I'm always sure they're doing to make me feel a little better about myself, though. I'm not known for my outgoing behaviours, so I assume they're just trying to compliment me to make me feel better.

I mean, I'm not exactly a planet, but the fat is spread all over the place, focusing mostly on my midriff and thighs. I'm proportioned okay-ish, but I'm looking more like a rectangle these days than a well proportioned person.

Admittedly, I started going to the gym in January, and like most Resolutioners, stopped going shortly after.. because I fell into the horrible cycle of bad eating and video games shortly after my birthday. Trying to make an effort to start going again, just need to remember to put by gear in my bag before I leave the house. The gym is across the road from work.

While I do like swimming, again the insecurities come storming across while I'm in the cardio section of the main gym, When I run on the treadmills, it honestly sounds like a giant is stomping through the place. 
BAM BAM BAM

Sure, I gotta start somewhere, but I hate feeling like I'm being judged. 

So there you have it. Two of my many insecurities. A few of them are quite private and there's nothing I can really do about them