It's the thing.

14 April 2014

Shady Loans

In my harebrained schemes to clear off the 8,000% APR loans I have, I've tried to apply for various loans advertising 50-60% APR and still getting refused. (In comparison, most banks offer a 24-30% APR)

I got desperate. I plugged my phone number into a loan "search engine" for bad credit. (For reference, my credit is at rock bottom. I can't get much lower. Banks won't even look twice at me)

Now here's the thing. to people absolutely diabolical with money - like myself - £1k at 50-60% APR isn't too bad a deal, especially if we're paying a lot more than that already per month on other debts. They advertise their rates, their offers and SPAM THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ANY PHONE NUMBER THEY CAN FIND

yes if you haven't noticed I have been the target of 40 fucking messages over the last two hours and I tell you what, I'm thoroughly pissed off. I'm feeling in Axe-Swingy mode right now.

It's not the endless barrage of premium rate texts I have to respond to to shut them up (I can't text back premium rate unless I charge my phone account with extra cash moneys) that's ticking me off (Okay maybe it is), but the major infuriator is the god damned lies these motherfuckers are spouting!

"You've been approved for £1000 instantly" It'll promise. "visit cashmoneyslol.com to apply and get instant cash!"

Now, receiving a message like that, you'd think - sweet, I'll sign up and get that £1k loan I was after. I can clear off those stupid fucking moneysucking Payday loans - and while the 70% APR isn't exactly fantastic, it beats the crap out of paying £400 per month on a seemingly never-ending cycle!

Or you know, when you fucking look at the Ts&Cs, they charge you Seventy-fucking-Nine cunting Pounds for the privilege of checking other lenders.

Instant Cash - MY ARSE.

If it sounds too good to be true - read the T&C. Always fucking read the T&C.

Yeah. At one point I was looking for how deep the rabbit hole went.
I gave a few of them my old card details - inactive card but for some reason, they still accepted it.

I went down 7 fucking lenders all in a row, each asking for anywhere between £30 and £120 to check for more lenders, under the guise of "Instant Cash Guaranteed" 

What gall these fuckers have. I was being passed from broker to broker to broker, each broker giving me a tickle on the balls and a cheeky arse grope before taking money off me, all in the name of helping me find money.

Hey, dickwads - the only reason I fucking came to you fucks is because I'm fucking BROKE and actual banks won't look at me! You fucks make Wall St look legit!

So here's a bunch of fuckers I want to stab repeatedly for making my goddamn thumb swipe the screen damn near 50 times today (I got 4 or 5 while writing this.)

UrgentCASH, PaydayPhone, Quidskwik, blingblingloan (seriously?), ineedcash, Cash Finance Direct (x3), PenguinFinance, GoMoneyToday, HundredLoans, 123findme9 (what?), sms2payday, mloan, 5MinMoney, Loans More, LootKwik, "Maxwell", fastCASH, ElephantL, PocketPD, RobotDosh, LoansDirect, KwikCash, Little Loans, Loan 24-7, City Financial, Cash Lady, Loan Monarch, Cash121, My-quid.

If by some miracle of SEO you turned up here looking up any of the names above - they're a fucking sham and don't even respond to them except saying STOP or whatever god damned code they use.

That's in a 2 fucking hour timespan.
I got a god damned message off these fucks every 2 fucking minutes.

City Financial and Loan Monarch are the biggest offenders here. I've had to change my card details to stop these fuckers taking any money off me.

"Hey Nathan" I hear you say. "Why not just call them and get them to take your details off their databases?"

These motherfuckers either aren't answering the phones, or finding out that it's me, and hanging up.
Yeah.
They're not even trying to charm their way out of it - they know they have my money soon and are just ignoring me.

No idea how they're getting away with it, but if I see even one fucking penny disappear out of my account without the promised £1k being accepted by anyone, I'm going to come down so fucking hard, I'll put even the fucking REAPERS to shame.