24 November 2014

Brain does things and hates itself

I don't know where I was going with that title.
It kind of sums up my brain activity of late though.

These last few months, you've probably seen a lot less of me, due to work absolutely piling on the work in stupidly awkward places/times.

(Unless you're here from twitter. In that case, I apologise for my absolute flooding of your timelines with swearing, screenshots, and other general faffery and/or pure frothing rage)

But yeah, my last post was in late August, after coming back from a con and heaping the praise on everyone.

It's just been a bit of a slide downhill from there, really.

Since then, I have broken up with my (now ex) boyfriend - though we still are friends and intend to grab a drink at some point when our schedules aren't freaking conflicting, and I think that's what kicked off what I'm dubbing "Crazed Rebound" phase.

I was pretty mopey and miserable for the first week or so after the breakup. I kept it private, didn't vent any of the usual "Weh no-one likes me" bullcrap on twitter (I only vent in pure rage, and I'm usually too busy threatening to tear people's skin off to start getting mopey at myself over it)

But, about a month after the breakup - I went on the rebound. I signed back up to Pounced, and talked to a few people, met one guy, did things.

During this time, up until about.. last week, actually. I wasn't what you'd call.. Asexual, I guess. I was flirting, roleplaying, and just being overtly sexual with people. And looking back at it now - I can't recognise myself in that mess. It was just weird

It was only a day after a moment of intimacy with someone when I realised "What the fuck am I doing - I am in no mental state for a new relationship, considering I'm just a ball of pure anger on a horrific rebound streak. I saw what I was doing, told the person I was being intimate with [sic] "I need time to think"

This last week has just been a mess for me. Mentally, at least.

I think I'm just coming to terms with the breakup, but piled on top of a very, very stressful 60 hour work weeks on top of an illness - I've done some stupid things out of pure lust and rage.

I wish, I sorely wish I could just rewind the last few weeks and just stop myself pulling this stupid rebound phase I've been in for the last 2 months.

My brain is starting to unfog a little bit, and the rage has (mostly) subsided, and my illness is going away, so theoretically, I should be right as rain in a few weeks. But there's still a few things to answer for, and I don't think I'm going to like doing it..

This was probably a whole load of absolute nonsense to you guys, but it feels better to write it all down, at least. Kind of like the thing I did last year.

Here, have a cat gif.

It's Pride Month!

It's June! It's Pride Month! Aaaand Gatekeeping is a thing, apparently. If I hear/see one more person post about how Asexuality is...