23 March 2015

Depression, Anxiety, Medication, and Motivation

Hiya, Internet.

It's been a while, huh?

Gonna apologise for that right now, not posted a whole lot of substance in the last few months. I mean, yeah. I've been active on twitter and stuff, but it's been a whole lot of drivel and whining, interspersed with game talk and occasional retweets.

Truth is - some of you already know - I went to the docs a few weeks back and he gave me some Anti-Depressants. I've been on and off with anxiety and depressive episodes for years, but never really thought much of them, thinking it was normal. It was in Febuary when I got back from a weekend away when I just had a week solid of feeling useless, untalented, unwanted.

For the first few days, they did the opposite of anti-depressants. I sunk further into a depression, but was fortunately held sane by a visiting friend for a day or two. (I'd been left alone for a few days).

After that, I perked up a little bit, and for the rest of the week, actually functioned and had motivation again, briefly. I felt positive about myself. I didn't once think;

"Why does anyone even want to be my friend? I'm boring and uninteresting."
"Why does work even keep me on? I keep doing things wrong."
"My writing is horrible, I don't know why I even bother planning stories."

But now it's back, and I'm still on the meds. I've followed the doc's instructions clearly. Take them once a day around the same time each day. But they do nothing except make me tired. (Among other things)

In fact, I'm a lot worse on them, now. I'd been quite.. positive over relationship prospects over the last few months, finally getting over my ex, and now.. I just feel like shit about it all over again. I have zero interest in relationships or even sex right now.

It's sapping away at most of my motivation. I mean, it was low enough as it was. I barely got stuff done before, now? I just don't want to at all, I'll probably mess it up and have to start again.

I'm constantly worried that I'm messing things up, annoying people, getting in the way, ruining projects, and stuff.

I think the worst part of all this is, I can't even see my regular GP. He's so busy, he's hired in another doctor and I keep seeing them instead, last time I went to the docs, it was another guy. I went 2 weeks ago, different person.

The person I spoke to 2 weeks ago didn't even seem to care - I walked in, unable to talk about personal stuff because I'd just met the guy, and he just simply asked me. "Do you want Anti-Depressants?"

Why the fuck are you asking me, doc? You're the qualified one here, not me!
Listen to me, for fucks sake, I might not even need them, I might have another problem. Don't just throw pills at me and fob me off and hope the placebo works, because it's made me worse. I just hope my appointment this week yields some proper results this time, and not just another "Here's some different pills, try these."

I'm sick and tired of feeling broken, unwanted and useless. I'm sick of being a quivering mess at social events, I'm sick of running away from meets, I'm sick of building up courage while sat in a van before going to teach someone for 2 hours.

Is it Anxiety? Is it depression? Is it both? Is it neither? Clearly my doctor doesn't know, or care.

It's Pride Month!

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