I'm (as usual) probably going to go off on tangents here and as I'm talking about myself, this may end up veering onto the topic of suicide and depression so yeah.
Hello friends if you're reading this you either clicked the link or you clicked on read more in which I thank you I guess I mean it's only me shouting into the void but whatever.
So anyone who's been reading my blog or known me for a long period of time (at least online anyway, I've been quite shtum about it IRL, fear and all that) I've been struggling with depression, anxiety, and my sexuality. It's almost like puberty has decided to hit me in my early-to-mid-20's rather than when I was 14 but hey, that's life, right?
I've talked about my actual struggle with coming to terms with my Bi/A/Sexuality (I slash that lot because I STILL DON'T KNOW) on the blog, so I won't bore you to death with the details as it's just a lot of me moping around and just telling my brain to stop overthinking that shit. Which worked. I've stopped overthinking.
What I've not stopped doing though is hating my libido.
My libido can just fuck off entirely. I hate it. 99.9% of the time, I do not care for any sexual activity in the slightest. I would be content just living a life of celibacy if my partner was in a similar situation. I do not care for sex a lot of the time.
Then, there's my 0.1% of the time.
I'm a fucking raging hornball. I need to get fucked, I need to fuck. I need to touch things, feel things. I'm a terrible being and the last time this happened was back in.. uh.. April? May? I don't know, time is going too fast. I fucked/got fucked by 3 people in the space of a week. Shit was crazy.
I hate myself still for that. I really, really hate myself. I feel like I used them for sex/intimacy. It's a fucking dick move. If any of you are reading this, I came to you with the intention to just hang out and chill, but, things happened. I'm glad it was consensual but fucking hell I can't believe I let myself get to that stage with 3 people so quickly.
Since then, I've been a monk. I won't even let people touch me, not even to hug. It took a lot of effort to put on a brave face for Eurofurence and let people hug me while in suit/out of suit, but I was slightly uncomfortable with the prospect of contact.
But, I want contact. I really do. but my body is just screaming "No. Don't even. No!" when I talk to people and hug people and shake hands or whatever. I want to hug people. I want a relationship - sex or not. But my brain is just this fucking ball of instability and it can't decide if it want to let me think about relationships without making me feel like a useless bag of shit that doesn't even deserve to know people, much less chain one to me.
Who knows when/if my next hornball moment will strike?