It's the thing.

15 October 2016

Depression, Anxiety, and Working Life

Hello again, Internet.

It's been a while again, I know. I'm getting quite inconsistent. I've reached the apathy stage of life. Everything is going wrong and it feels like I can't even begin to describe just what kind of bullshit is happening in the UK, but I can (somewhat) describe what is going on up in my head and in my life.

So, I'm on yet another depressive spiral - even though I'm taking my medication religiously and doing everything I can to try and minimise situations that will cause me to feel highly anxious and depressive. Unfortunately, one has come along and it's my own stupid fault.

I've caused some damage to a company vehicle, and while I could have originally told my boss about it, I opted not to, for fear of pissing him off royally (I'd only recently had to take another van in for a service and it came out needing £1k of repairs). And I'm also very heavy footed and I've broken 2 clutches in other vehicles. I didn't want to be that guy so I opted to just.. live with it. It was cosmetic damage after all, Nothing to worry about...

Well, he saw it.

Now I'm in for disciplinary and all that and I just got a quote back from the body repair shop and we're looking at £2k of repairs. So yeah.

Boss didn't help by treating me like a child and repeatedly saying he's disappointed and I should know better (once or twice is fine, I should know better, of course) but he said it at least 10 times in a 15 minute dressing down. I'm already anxious about my performance at work 60% of the time (despite customers specifically requesting me) and this just shot it to be at the forefront of my mind 100% of the time.

My entire existence for the last 2 weeks has been restless. I've not slept for more than 3 or 4 hours a night in the last 2 weeks. I'm convinced I'm about to get sacked. Jobs are already hard to come across, If I get sacked for this, no-one's going to want me. My parents are going to be disappointed in me because I lost a job because I made a small mistake. It's going to make my life hell.

On top of this - as a rule in the UK, your employer generally has to inform HMRC of any benefits you receive as part of your employment, like access to company vehicles, or health insurance, etc.

Turns out, even though I've had access to a vehicle since 2014, my employer has failed to inform HMRC of this, and they've found out - I now owe HMRC an extra £631 starting next April. I hate how my employer can even suggest I'm an unorganised mess when they can't even keep their own affairs in order.

The thing is - I was not informed of any procedures I need to follow while using company vehicles (I spent 70% of my working day driving them) - One day, my boss approached me, handed me a set of keys and said I needed to replace a colleague as they needed to stay in the office for personal reasons.

We have been far too busy to allow me training. Even my disability awareness training was a very minimal affair - and considering that my entire job revolves around teaching and trainign disabled people of varying degrees, from mild dyslexia, to bedbound - physically incapable of movement, people. I felt unprepared, and I spent many, many nights learning about many common and uncommon disabilities.

My employer - despite taking me on as an apprentice almost 9 years ago, has not given me any industry recognised qualifications. Any qualifications I was enrolled for never came to fruition, and only served to better the company, rather than their employees. As it stands, the only qualification I held (CompTIA A+) was self funded, and expired last month.. I currently hold absolutely nothing other than my GCSEs.

The last 9 years, bar a (now probably bad) reference, and a 9 year spot on my CV has no meaning. I dropped out of college (the last 2 years of high school to Americans), and I never went to university as a result.

I am an unqualified idiot with a computer.

I was considering suicide again the other day. It's growing more and more tempting by the day.

I want to better myself, I really do. But everything feels weighted against me.