Been a while again. I guess I'm getting a bit swamped with life lately. Can't really keep up with the whole writing thing.
Any regular readers of the blog will know that I flat out just hate sexuality. It's bullshit.
Not that I dislike people who are pretty set in their sexuality - but I exist on this.. border of 2(4?). Just right there.
Depending on the day, I either have NO sexual attraction. To anyone. At all.
Or, I'm attracted to anyone. But I don't know whether to label it Bi/Pan/Demisexual.
It makes me worried.
Because usually when the shifts in sexuality happen, I get the shifts in Libido. I go from sex neutral/positive, to sex repulsed.
I hate it so fucking much. I don't even know if anyone I'd end up with (if that even happens) would be able to put up with it. I fear it was the cause of my last breakup. I never had the desire for it. A whole year and we only got down to it a few times and only when I felt bad enough for my partner.
I know a lot of people will understand their partner's sexual needs and live with it. But my last relationship felt like it weighed heavily on the sex thing.
I think it's mostly the anxiety talking.
It's just so unpredictable, though. I don't even know how often it strikes. One minute, it's like a switch flips in my head. I can be thinking about Sex/Love/Partners, what have you. And then.. I'm just disgusted at myself. BUT I still have feelings for people! My mind is tearing itself in two when I'm in these sex repulsed phases.
In the past, the phases have lasted days. Weeks. Months. Or, up until I was 22, it was all I knew. When I turned 22, I started what I'm calling a late puberty. I never knew what sexual attraction felt like until about 8 months into my first real relationship. But it was pretty much too late at that point.
I want to like people. Love people. But a combination of my anxiety and my extremely unstable libido/sexuality is just putting me off. Completely.
I don't know if, or when this will end. I don't want to subject someone I love to whatever the fuck is going on in my head/loins. They usually come with mood swings as well. Who knows what's going on with me at this point.
And I probably piss people off. The amount of times I just shut people down because one minute I'm quite receptive to flirting and roleplaying things (I'm a furry, what do you expect), then suddenly I just shut up and stop for long periods at a time. If this is you, I'm so sorry. I don't mean to cut you off, piss you off, blueball you, whatever. My brain is just repulsed by what I am/was doing. I'm a bit of a dick when it happens. I make excuses, or just don't reply to messages.
Bonus gif of my brain right now: